the good in goodbye
by shiksa goddess
Summary: "Do you think we made a mistake?" He asks, watching as their son wolfed down an entire slice of cake. She half-chokes on her fruit punch because, really after a year of avoiding that conversation, did he really think it was appropriate to drop that bomb in the middle of their kid's party? / in which Austin and Ally are divorced but neither of them quite are sure as to why.


**Title: the good in goodbye  
Playlist/Inspiration: Best Thing I Never Had- Beyonce, Over My Head- The Fray, Like We Used To- A Rocket to the Moon, Timshel- Mumford & Sons, Little Lion Man- Mumford & Sons, I Lived- OneRepublic, Bruises- Train ft. Ashley Monroe  
Warnings/Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize, mild language (probably. I actually don't remember.) but other than that just my usual attempts at emotional fluff  
A/N: okay so let me clarify that Austin and Ally moved to L.A. soon after high school in this story (because let's face it Florida's not exactly known for an entertainment industry we just have a lot of cute old people and some pretty beaches and like oranges I guess) but I couldn't fit an explanation into the story but yeah that's what happened okay I'm going to stop rambling now.**

* * *

She likes to pretend she knows exactly how and exactly why they ended up this way.  
Sometimes she'll look at her son and he has her eyes but _his _hair and she wonders if she regrets it all.

She likes to think she doesn't. 

* * *

When they filed for their divorce, they cited "irreconcilable differences" and it was almost _tragic_ because they were _Austin and Ally _and everyone had always put them on this pedestal for "best relationship" because whether they were partners or friends or married there was nothing they'd faced that they couldn't get through.

She wonders what changed. It was probably just the fact that they had all grown up, and changed, and somewhere along the line they themselves started growing apart (which is never a good direction, honestly) but everyone had always thought that they were _soul mates _and they were _meant to be_.

But here she is, sitting at her (carefully polished) wooden dinner table slurping limp spaghetti noodles and watching reruns of _America's Next Top Model_ and she's by herself because it's Austin's week to have Jackson and it's only been a month since the divorce was finalized and she's only thirty freaking years old, she should be able to go out and have fun but really she can't remember the last time she felt this _alone._

_Meant to be, my ass, _she thinks. 

* * *

On her and Austin's wedding day, almost everyone in the world was in support (because, remember, they're _meant to be_ and getting married was basically just cementing it), except Austin's aunt, who still thought that twenty-two was too young to get hitched and that they were going to wake up one day as sad, bitter thirty-year-old divorcees and no matter how right she ended up being, they both ignored it because they were just so happy and in love.

She remembers having both her mom and dad walk her down the aisle and then going to sit in separate pews and crossing her fingers behind her bouquet and promising herself that they would never end up like that.

Oops. 

* * *

Jackson's first day of third grade is her responsibility, and it's unusually cold for a Californian September so she secures a grey beanie on his head and wraps him in a black windbreaker (despite his protests of "_Mom it's not that cold!") _and sends him off.

School was her safe haven when her parents were going through their own divorce (and all other times, truthfully) and she wonders if it works like that for her own son.

_I thought you said you'd never make your parents mistakes.  
_  
Her conscience was a really terrible thing sometimes.

"So how'd he take it?" Austin asked. _  
_  
"Fine." She started a fresh pot of coffee for herself. "As usual. He's a strong kid. You're picking him up, right?"

"Yup, I'm taking him to a Justin Timberlake concert. Backstage passes and all."

Ally laughs. "Ah, the perks of having an ex-pop star as a parent." She smirks. "I can't believe Justin's still touring, though. He's like a male Madonna or something."

"He's only forty-three, Alls, not like we're all that much younger. But I guess we're not touring so maybe you've got a point there."

"Of course I do."

"You've always had a knack for being right." She swears she can hear his soft smile through the phone.

She _was_ usually right.  
It was kind of her downfall, actually.

"Not like that's always a good thing." She laughs, a twinge of sadness tinting her voice.  
"Oh, well. I hope you guys have fun at that concert tonight."

"Thanks, I'm sure we will."

"Talk to you later?"

"Yeah, of course. Bye, Ally."

Out of pure habit, she stays on the line for a few more seconds before she realizes that no "I love you" will be escaping his mouth.

It's after she hangs up that one escapes from her own. 

* * *

About a year after the divorce, they're both at Jackson's Little League championship (they still can't figure out how he acquired such good athleticism and totally skipped the music gene entirely) and they've at least built up enough of a friendship (or whatever it is, they've really always been terrible at conforming with labels) to share a warm hug without large barriers of tension in between.

He watches her as she cheers enthusiastically for their son and he sees the glimmer in her eyes that always showed up when she was happy and it warms his heart to know that she can be truly happy independently from him but it also hurts a little bit.

But just a little bit.

There was always this unspoken understanding between them that they were probably never going to get remarried or anything like that because somehow, no matter how much they'd screwed it up, they sort of always had been _meant to be_ and really, there was no one else for either of them but if they talked about it, it would raise questions as to why they'd even done this in the first place and that would probably just screw things up even more.

All he knew for sure was that she was _the _love of his life and there was really no room for multiples.

At the afterparty for Jackson's (winning, thank you very much) game, Austin and Ally stay a bit hidden in the corners of some teammate's living room because even being the parents of the star batter (again, God knows where those genetics came from), they were still regarded as _Austin Moon and Ally Dawson_, the celebrities, except in this situation "celebrity" was the equivalent of "freaks".

But in all honesty, they were perfectly happy to fade back into the woodwork anyways.

He casually throws an arm over her shoulders (she looked cold alright like was he supposed to watch his best friend shiver and not do anything about it?)

"Do you think we made a mistake?" He asks, watching as their son wolfed down an entire slice of cake.

She half-chokes on her fruit punch because _really after a year of avoiding that conversation did he really think it was appropriate to drop that bomb in the middle of their kid's party?_

She'd like to think they didn't.

But she's not really sure anymore. 

* * *

She was wide awake that night with Jackson in the other room, sleeping off his victory, thinking about what Austin had said and mulling through the entirety of the sixteen years she'd known him.

The entire reason that they fell apart was her fault. She'd brought her own relationship to shambles and she was never going to forgive herself for that.

He was never home, always on tour and she was _always_ home, always slaving away at songs for random pop artists that were never really relevant for very long and never _really_ living up to her own capabilities but hey, it was a job and it was doing what she loved, right?

And she got to raise Jackson. She couldn't ever go on tour or perform herself anymore, but she tried to be okay with that because it was her son and he was her priority now.

Besides, who needed a New Year's kiss anyways when you could watch your husband perform in Times Square from your Los Angeles living room anyways?

After nearly eight years of being without him more than she'd ever been with him she was tired of pretending that this was working for her so she told him and he immediately cancelled all the rest of his tour dates and put his new album on what had become a permanent hiatus and _it was her fault_ but she told him that her mind was already made and that it wasn't fair to her to keep living like this and he told her she was right, which she was, but she was also wrong, so very wrong and God she wishes someone had told her that.

Her mom told her that she was doing the right thing, that sometimes when they got too invested in their music you have to prioritize yourself and break it off, but her mom was the one who left for Africa when she was twelve so what did she know anyways?

You know, her parents had cited irreconcilable differences on their divorce papers as well.  
And that was how she knew she was making the exact same mistakes as her parents.

But maybe she could fix this one. 

* * *

They stay like this for another year and it's Jackson's tenth birthday (god, how had _that _happened? She was only thirty-two but she swore she was finding more and more grey hairs every day) and really at this point their lives are just slipping away in front of them.

He watches her cut the cake and there's that light in her eyes again, the one that he used to swear could light up the night sky if she tried.

After all, it wasn't him who'd called for the divorce, and it wasn't him who'd fallen out of love first (or ever), no, it was him who had dropped everything the second he realized she was unhappy with him being away from home so much and it was him who had signed the divorce papers when it was finalized because he figured that was what she wanted, that that was what would make her happy.  
It wasn't as if he really regretted those choices, considering the circumstances, but God, he'd be lying if he said he didn't miss her.

He wants to grab her hand somewhere in between the cake cutting and the present unwrapping but really it just wasn't the time or place. 

* * *

He drives himself and Jackson home that night and he lets him go through his wallet and get a fifty as a birthday present (God knew he wouldn't have been able to wrap something, that was always Ally's part of the deal, but he'd resorted to cash these past few years without her. Jackson didn't seem to mind.)

His son finds the various pictures of Ally and himself behind the display photo of Jackson's baseball team picture.  
There must be at least twenty that he's kept over the years, from Ally's first Sonic Boom employee photo (the one he'd brought to his very first awards show), to a picture of them singing for the first time on stage together to their wedding portrait

"Dad?"

"Mhmm?" He swallows hard.

"Do you… do you still love mom?"

Austin sighs. "Of course. She always has been and always will be my best friend. You know the story."

"You know what I mean, Dad." Jackson replies flatly.

He'd inherited Ally's brains and wit, that was for sure.

"Yes. With all of my heart."

He was tired of lying to himself.

"So why aren't you guys getting back together?"

He laughs as rain starts sprinkling down on the windshield, so he turns on the wipers.

"I don't think I know, kiddo."

He swallows hard again.

"But I'll tell you if I ever figure it out."

Jackson nods contently and, after carefully placing all of the photos back into his dad's wallet, claims his fifty dollars and tosses the wallet back onto the passenger seat.

Truth be told, Austin wasn't even quite sure he knew why they broke up in the first place. 

* * *

"Do _you _think we should get back together?" Ally asks into her cup of warm tea. Trish sits across from her at her kitchen table, in town for Jackson's party.  
She'd grown up a lot as well, Ally notices. Lost a bit of weight, straightened her hair, had kept the same job running a talent agency back in Miami for over five years… it was alarming how things had changed.

"You're asking me, your best friend, who _always _wanted you guys to get together, if I think you should get back with him? Is that really even a question?" Trish laughs.

Ally smiles a bit as well. "Yeah, it was probably a dumb thing to ask." She pushes the sleeves of her white sweater back and clears her throat.

"I just… I don't know. Someone told me it was dumb for us to get married as young as we did, but honestly, I felt dumber leaving him than I ever did being with him, no matter what the circumstance was. " She sighed, crossing and uncrossing her legs anxiously.

"Then didn't you kind of just answer your own question? I mean, you've told me yourself that you both kind of agreed that there was no one else for either of you. There never _has been_ anyone else, and there never will be! No, you guys aren't "perfect" for each other, that's for damn sure, but you're still meant for each other, and maybe that's as lucky as you're gonna get."

Ally stares blankly ahead of her, staring at the white wood cabinets.

"Love takes work, Ally. And you know I love you to bits, but truthfully I think for some reason you just weren't willing to put forth the effort this time and that's where you went wrong." Trish reasons, and her points are valid.

She's right.  
Finally, someone was telling her where she had been going wrong and someone else was right. That, in itself, was probably what she had needed all along and if they could've had this discussion two years ago they probably could've avoided all this emotional trauma and a shit-ton of legal fees, too.

"What do I do now? I can't just go back and fix this, Trish. It's not going to be easy."

Trish sighs. "No, it's not. But again, the whole work thing. I think it's worth it, and that's coming from _me._"

She takes another sip of tea.  
She was going to fix this, she promised herself.

(And she's keep this one this time.) 

* * *

She knew, he knew, everyone knew that if they were going to do this, that it was going to take a lot of compromise, and work, and effort, but, as Trish had said, it was worth it and she knew that.

They'd agreed to take it slow this time, and maybe keep things on the down low for awhile, at least until they could figure things out for themselves, but he grabs her hand under the table at their first full-family dinner in two years and she smiles because her fingers still fit perfectly between his as if they belonged there.

(That was what home was supposed to feel like, right?)

She wondered if her mom could've patched things up with her dad if she'd put in some more effort as well, but in all, probably not. Her mother was too much of a flighty and independent spirit (nurturing as all get out, but flighty) to stay in one place for too long, and that was her downfall.

But she was not her mother.  
They were not her parents.  
And they weren't going to make her parent's mistakes. They'd make mistakes, of course, even more than they already had , but different mistakes. Mistakes you learn from.

They were going to be okay, somehow.

She'd like to think she won't regret it this time. 

* * *

fin 

* * *

**a/n EXAMPLE OF WHY WE DON'T LET TESSA WRITE ENTIRE STORIES AT FOUR A.M oh my gosh  
sigh well I'm really tired guys but I do hope you enjoyed this despite it's weird ending and repetitiveness because I sort of enjoy it myself but maybe that's the sleep depriviation speaking?  
I don't know.  
On another note I'm getting really into future!Auslly fics so yeah be on the lookout for that :')**

(:Tessa:)


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